that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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