for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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