I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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