I'm gonna have a badass scar
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
