I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
