I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
