she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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