Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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