you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
