At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i think my cat just said my name.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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