drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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