my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I need to calm my uterus...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
