he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
