she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
