I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
