sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
