I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
