Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
