The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
