I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I AM VODKA MAN
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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