Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
