Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
