Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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