Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
