Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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