So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
