You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
