it hurts more in the daytime
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
