i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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