maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
