someone threw a dead crab at me
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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