Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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