i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
