What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
