Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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