Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
