He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
