I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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