I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
