Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
