It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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