i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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