Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
