i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
