I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
