Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
