I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
