I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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