Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
