Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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